Lan Xichen (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ze_uwu_jun) wrote2033-01-09 09:40 pm
ze_uwu_jun) wrote2033-01-09 09:40 pm
Entry tags:
Inbox @
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
[The ornament is carved out of jade and fashioned into a butterfly. A symbol for undying love. There is no note, but the box that holds it is a creamy white with gold accents.]
((immediately subsequent to this discussion]
[Jin Ling comes into view in the center of the frame, angling the camera so that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian can be seen in the background.]
Zewu-Jun. [He makes a cursory little bow, the best he can do while he's still holding the communicator steady.]
I asked Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei to meet with me to discuss what to do about LianFang-Zun. I fear that ostracizing my uncle will only worsen him. I remember how he spoke about having no choice, and how he was driven to his crimes because he felt trapped and isolated by his situation. I want to provide him a path to rehabilitation by making clear to him that he is not trapped and isolated. We will help him, but he has to learn to trust us to help him at times when he feels that there is no choice. He will have to work hard to earn back our trust, but I believe that helping him find the right way to do so is the best course of action.
Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei agree that we should not meet with him alone. I would like to speak with you, so that we can discuss how best to proceed before we contact him.
[Jin Ling comes into view in the center of the frame, angling the camera so that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian can be seen in the background.]
Zewu-Jun. [He makes a cursory little bow, the best he can do while he's still holding the communicator steady.]
I asked Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei to meet with me to discuss what to do about LianFang-Zun. I fear that ostracizing my uncle will only worsen him. I remember how he spoke about having no choice, and how he was driven to his crimes because he felt trapped and isolated by his situation. I want to provide him a path to rehabilitation by making clear to him that he is not trapped and isolated. We will help him, but he has to learn to trust us to help him at times when he feels that there is no choice. He will have to work hard to earn back our trust, but I believe that helping him find the right way to do so is the best course of action.
Hanguang-Jun and Senior Wei agree that we should not meet with him alone. I would like to speak with you, so that we can discuss how best to proceed before we contact him.
Edited 2020-01-31 02:15 (UTC)
[ The video begins with a return bow. ]
Sect Leader Jin.
I have told ... Meng Yao that I will not seek him out, but neither will I avoid him. Because I agree that isolating him and making him feel trapped will only make things worse. There is much trust that needs to be earned, on both sides.
Thank you for including me in this. I think... no. I know that he has not yet figured out what he wants to do, and what he doesn't. It may take a little while. [ Remember when they last talked, Jin Ling, and Xichen pointed out that living when you're supposed to be dead isn't easy? ] Not trying to set his path will be better, just now, but keeping alert that he might not fall back into old habits of misleading... that is also important.
Other than that... I could come where you are. Or Wangji knows where to find me, if you are with him, whether you come alone or all together.
Sect Leader Jin.
I have told ... Meng Yao that I will not seek him out, but neither will I avoid him. Because I agree that isolating him and making him feel trapped will only make things worse. There is much trust that needs to be earned, on both sides.
Thank you for including me in this. I think... no. I know that he has not yet figured out what he wants to do, and what he doesn't. It may take a little while. [ Remember when they last talked, Jin Ling, and Xichen pointed out that living when you're supposed to be dead isn't easy? ] Not trying to set his path will be better, just now, but keeping alert that he might not fall back into old habits of misleading... that is also important.
Other than that... I could come where you are. Or Wangji knows where to find me, if you are with him, whether you come alone or all together.
[His heart pounds. He's glad that Zewu-Jun has agreed, and that this is something the two of them--no, the three of them--will do together.]We won't set his path for him. I think the path should be something we decide all together, but it's up to the two of us to help guide him to productive ways of thinking and to get him to trust us so that we can work toward trusting him.
I'm living with Sizhui at the moment. I'd rather not get him involved, but our apartment here is quiet. We have no other roommates, so at least there would be no strangers around, and I will ask him to stay away while we meet with my uncle.
We're in De Chima. I will send the address, and once you arrive I will ask him to join us. Then the three of us can talk.
I'm living with Sizhui at the moment. I'd rather not get him involved, but our apartment here is quiet. We have no other roommates, so at least there would be no strangers around, and I will ask him to stay away while we meet with my uncle.
We're in De Chima. I will send the address, and once you arrive I will ask him to join us. Then the three of us can talk.
Once it's decided, Jin Ling gets up and takes the tea set from the cupboard where he hid it. He plans to be careful to see that his uncle drinks first, and not from a cup of his own choosing, but using the tea set seems very important to his plan. So he lays it out carefully on the table and chooses one of the packets of tea for the pot.
Texting Sizhui to stay away from the apartment for a few hours, he then records his invitation to his uncle and sends it. Leaving the door unlocked, he fills the kettle but waits to heat it.
Texting Sizhui to stay away from the apartment for a few hours, he then records his invitation to his uncle and sends it. Leaving the door unlocked, he fills the kettle but waits to heat it.
Edited 2020-02-02 21:31 (UTC)
He looks like a man walking to his doom or some kind of ancient spirit cut off from all he knows. Meng Yao hasn't had an interest in civilian clothing, so the robe he has chosen for today stands out like a sore thumb. However the color is nice; a soft dove grey without ornamentation. His hair is mostly how he prefers it - he had to enlist help for that - and he is notably missing the red mark in the middle of his brow that would have marked him as a Jin.
Upon reaching the right address, he knocks - only to find the door unlocked. This could be a trap. He makes himself breathe again, his hand shaking as he turns the doorknob anyway.
Nothing happens. But he is far from relieved.
"Jin Ling?"
Upon reaching the right address, he knocks - only to find the door unlocked. This could be a trap. He makes himself breathe again, his hand shaking as he turns the doorknob anyway.
Nothing happens. But he is far from relieved.
"Jin Ling?"
"Meng Yao." These days Xichen usually looks the worse for the wear, but as he opens the door he doesn't look grim or upset, at least. Or angry.
"Come in, he is inside. There is tea."
He closes the door and leads the way, calm and steady. He can look his fill later.
"We are both here now." He announces to Jin Ling. And goes to pour tea. Never mind that he is not the host and that he is oldest.
He...
Well. He is nervous.
"Come in, he is inside. There is tea."
He closes the door and leads the way, calm and steady. He can look his fill later.
"We are both here now." He announces to Jin Ling. And goes to pour tea. Never mind that he is not the host and that he is oldest.
He...
Well. He is nervous.
Jin Ling kneels at the table, looking nervous but also hopeful. "Uncle."
He performs a little bow, only a tiny bit shaky. He hasn't seen his uncle in person since... since everything.
They're the only ones here. No traps, no defenses. Zewu-Jun is a powerful cultivator, but it's also dangerous for them to be here, offering LianFang-Zun their trust.
He performs a little bow, only a tiny bit shaky. He hasn't seen his uncle in person since... since everything.
They're the only ones here. No traps, no defenses. Zewu-Jun is a powerful cultivator, but it's also dangerous for them to be here, offering LianFang-Zun their trust.
[ They have tea nearly every day, so it's not so strange to see Wangji - except that this is a much later hour than normal and instead of meeting at his work, he's shown up at Xichen's house.
Outwardly, to most of the world, he looks no different than normal. His face impassive, his robes immaculate, his sword in one hand and his fist held behind his back.
Inwardly, he feels like a hurricane barely entrapped in glass.
He waits until his brother answers the door and then his eyes lower before he makes his short, customary bow.
He says nothing, not trusting his voice to conceal the weight of emotion currently plaguing him. He knows his brother will see some of it anyway, but he doesn't want to worry him.
He just wants a place of peace. ]
Outwardly, to most of the world, he looks no different than normal. His face impassive, his robes immaculate, his sword in one hand and his fist held behind his back.
Inwardly, he feels like a hurricane barely entrapped in glass.
He waits until his brother answers the door and then his eyes lower before he makes his short, customary bow.
He says nothing, not trusting his voice to conceal the weight of emotion currently plaguing him. He knows his brother will see some of it anyway, but he doesn't want to worry him.
He just wants a place of peace. ]
[ Xichen responds to the bow, his eyes only searching through his brother's face for a moment before they widen. ]
This way.
[ He leads him directly to the bedroom, motioning Wangji to the bed. Once his brother is horizontal, Wangji turns off the light, and takes out the xiao. Not playing anything specific, only enough for Wangji's thoughts to have an external structure to coalesce against, rather than spinning out of control. Structure, and Xichen's soft, all-encompassing love for Wangji. ]
This way.
[ He leads him directly to the bedroom, motioning Wangji to the bed. Once his brother is horizontal, Wangji turns off the light, and takes out the xiao. Not playing anything specific, only enough for Wangji's thoughts to have an external structure to coalesce against, rather than spinning out of control. Structure, and Xichen's soft, all-encompassing love for Wangji. ]
[ He follows without a word, obedient as the famed Lan disciple should be, his eyes on the floor and his steps nearly silent.
He lays where he is bade - after removing his boots - and crosses his hands over his chest, closing his eyes.
He can feel the storm attempting to batter against the soothing calm of his brother's music - attempting to crash and suffocate the calm it offers. But there is a reason he is here, and it is because it works. It doesn't remove his feelings, it doesn't strip them bare, but soon the howling winds diminish to a quieter whisper. Soon his heart rate returns to something more normal.
Eventually, his eyes open again, focusing on the ceiling above him, so foreign despite how familiar his brother's music is. He doesn't say anything, he just waits for its natural close. ]
He lays where he is bade - after removing his boots - and crosses his hands over his chest, closing his eyes.
He can feel the storm attempting to batter against the soothing calm of his brother's music - attempting to crash and suffocate the calm it offers. But there is a reason he is here, and it is because it works. It doesn't remove his feelings, it doesn't strip them bare, but soon the howling winds diminish to a quieter whisper. Soon his heart rate returns to something more normal.
Eventually, his eyes open again, focusing on the ceiling above him, so foreign despite how familiar his brother's music is. He doesn't say anything, he just waits for its natural close. ]
[ The music does fade, gracefully, leaving the two of them in the darkness. Xichen doesn't need to wonder if Wangji is awake, he can hear this breathing. ]
Rest. I will watch over you.
Rest. I will watch over you.
[ He feels guilty, for the lack of explanation. He knows his brother is worried about him.
Everyone else is spreading their truth around them like rivers running of their blood, concealing nothing, revealing everything. It was asked of them. He asked it, of his own brother. But the weight of truth is baring heavily and he knows that he is unable to give the same, to any of them.
Even his brother, who of all others alive could write his history out character for character nearly identical to Wangji's heart - there are still things they did not witness together. Things his brother guesses, but does not know. Things he reads but cannot see.
He wishes he could tell his brother everything - wishes for the comfort of it - but does not wish to give the burden. And he knows he can't give it to anyone else.
But there's one truth he is struggling with very deeply. It will have to be addressed. ]
... Lan Sizhui. [ Careful, quiet. ] Unknown, to Wei Ying.
[ He hasn't told him. He's not sure he can. But that concealed truth is proving a great weight on him, even if it would be better for Sizhui not to know. ]
Everyone else is spreading their truth around them like rivers running of their blood, concealing nothing, revealing everything. It was asked of them. He asked it, of his own brother. But the weight of truth is baring heavily and he knows that he is unable to give the same, to any of them.
Even his brother, who of all others alive could write his history out character for character nearly identical to Wangji's heart - there are still things they did not witness together. Things his brother guesses, but does not know. Things he reads but cannot see.
He wishes he could tell his brother everything - wishes for the comfort of it - but does not wish to give the burden. And he knows he can't give it to anyone else.
But there's one truth he is struggling with very deeply. It will have to be addressed. ]
... Lan Sizhui. [ Careful, quiet. ] Unknown, to Wei Ying.
[ He hasn't told him. He's not sure he can. But that concealed truth is proving a great weight on him, even if it would be better for Sizhui not to know. ]
[ If Xichen believed that his touch would bring comfort, rather than more irritation, he would reach to caress his brother's brow. He would hold him, too, but touch is complicated. Attention is complicated.
The room is already darkened, but he shifts until he is sitting next to the bed, but with his back towards Wangji. Close enough to touch, but giving him privacy all the same.
He considers the words. ]
I have spoken - will speak, from when you both are - to young master Wei about things that you could not. [ Would not. ] I can talk to him about that, as it would bring relief without endangering Sizhui.
[ Not in this world.
It is one of the few secrets that he kept from ... Meng Yao, before. He might have guessed, but Xichen doesn't think he cared enough to try. But young master Wei... it is different. Xichen knows that he fell thinking that all those he had loved, with the exception of Wangji, were either gone or had abandoned him. Even one more person not lost to that onslaught... that will be good, no? ]
The room is already darkened, but he shifts until he is sitting next to the bed, but with his back towards Wangji. Close enough to touch, but giving him privacy all the same.
He considers the words. ]
I have spoken - will speak, from when you both are - to young master Wei about things that you could not. [ Would not. ] I can talk to him about that, as it would bring relief without endangering Sizhui.
[ Not in this world.
It is one of the few secrets that he kept from ... Meng Yao, before. He might have guessed, but Xichen doesn't think he cared enough to try. But young master Wei... it is different. Xichen knows that he fell thinking that all those he had loved, with the exception of Wangji, were either gone or had abandoned him. Even one more person not lost to that onslaught... that will be good, no? ]
[ He appreciates the proximity, even if he does not cross it. Even if he keeps perfectly still, hands folded against his chest.
The news that Xichen speaks to Wei Ying on his behalf is not surprising. Nor does it particularly worry him. He knows that sometimes he requires translation, and he trusts his brother’s discretion and judgement.
He’s silent for a long long moment, weighing the risks. The costs. He should be the one to tell Wei Ying, but he... can’t. ]
... Do not tell him of my involvement. [ He decides, in a low, quiet tone. ]
The boy was found, kept safe. That is enough.
Owes no debt.
The news that Xichen speaks to Wei Ying on his behalf is not surprising. Nor does it particularly worry him. He knows that sometimes he requires translation, and he trusts his brother’s discretion and judgement.
He’s silent for a long long moment, weighing the risks. The costs. He should be the one to tell Wei Ying, but he... can’t. ]
... Do not tell him of my involvement. [ He decides, in a low, quiet tone. ]
The boy was found, kept safe. That is enough.
Owes no debt.
[ Xichen blinks his eyes against the near-darkness. ]
I will not lie if he asks directly, but I will do my best to not lead him to question it.
[ Xichen knows exactly what Wangji is asking him. And yes, he knows that a lie would make it worse, but omission... that is different. ]
Rest?
I will not lie if he asks directly, but I will do my best to not lead him to question it.
[ Xichen knows exactly what Wangji is asking him. And yes, he knows that a lie would make it worse, but omission... that is different. ]
Rest?
[ He would not ask for more. He couldn’t lie if asked directly, and he wouldn’t ask his brother to. He can only hope that the question will never be posed at all.
He’s not ashamed of what he did. Far from. But placing any burden of debt on Wei Ying’s shoulders now is something he cannot bear.
The only reason he thinks Wei Ying should be told at all is that it might soothe the smallest shred of his grief. If they were home, he would not - the Wens still far too reviled.
This is as much as he can offer.
He simply nods, almost invisible in the dark, yet certain his brother will know.
There are other torments, of course. Other things he longs to have answered. But Xichen could not answer them. And even if he could, Wangji knows the answers would only bring pain.
He closes his eyes and does as his brother bades him.
A moment later, blissful darkness subsumes his thoughts and he falls into a dreamless sleep. ]
He’s not ashamed of what he did. Far from. But placing any burden of debt on Wei Ying’s shoulders now is something he cannot bear.
The only reason he thinks Wei Ying should be told at all is that it might soothe the smallest shred of his grief. If they were home, he would not - the Wens still far too reviled.
This is as much as he can offer.
He simply nods, almost invisible in the dark, yet certain his brother will know.
There are other torments, of course. Other things he longs to have answered. But Xichen could not answer them. And even if he could, Wangji knows the answers would only bring pain.
He closes his eyes and does as his brother bades him.
A moment later, blissful darkness subsumes his thoughts and he falls into a dreamless sleep. ]
"Zewu-Jun..." he is struck dumb; he hadn't expected to be met with him right off the bat. Meng Yao bows immediately, cautiously straightening before he follows the man inside. The chill of unease increases when he sees Jin Ling.
As much as he wants to show both of them affection, he knows it isn't welcome. Not here, not now.
He kneels at the table across from Jin Ling, expression pained.
"You both look well." and that does set some of his concerns at ease.
As much as he wants to show both of them affection, he knows it isn't welcome. Not here, not now.
He kneels at the table across from Jin Ling, expression pained.
"You both look well." and that does set some of his concerns at ease.
... in all honesty, Xichen hasn't expected quite this configuration of things - when Jin Rulan said that neither of them should meet Meng Yao alone, he had expected the supervision of one of those whose judgment is... more impartial. But this is also fair, in its way.
"Thank you." He doesn't look his best, but neither is he unsightly. Not as bad as when Wangji first found him in the streets, on his first job. "You are... afraid. I don't believe you need to be. I just... do not think it is right for others, even one of us, to try to set your course. The three of us are those who remember... all. It would probably be right to see what our expectations are. And if there are limitations that make sense. In any direction."
Because at this point they all know that there is plenty of danger, from many sides. But living in fear will not do any good.
And if Xichen is clutching the insides of his sleeves, uncertain if he makes sense at all, well. He is pretty sure neither of them will really notice.
"Thank you." He doesn't look his best, but neither is he unsightly. Not as bad as when Wangji first found him in the streets, on his first job. "You are... afraid. I don't believe you need to be. I just... do not think it is right for others, even one of us, to try to set your course. The three of us are those who remember... all. It would probably be right to see what our expectations are. And if there are limitations that make sense. In any direction."
Because at this point they all know that there is plenty of danger, from many sides. But living in fear will not do any good.
And if Xichen is clutching the insides of his sleeves, uncertain if he makes sense at all, well. He is pretty sure neither of them will really notice.
When his uncle says he looks well, Jin Ling's hand rises subconsciously to his throat for a moment before he forces it down into his lap.
"I want..." His tidy little speeches from earlier in the day slip away from his lips as his shaking worsens. Seeing his uncle in person, he can't help but think of the bite of wire against his throat, of the look on his uncle's face when he spoke of killing Jin Ling's father. "I want to be able to trust you. And I think it's important that you be able to trust us."
This was all much more graceful in Jin Ling's head, but he pushes forward, determined to communicate what he wants to say even if it's clumsy. "I remember you saying how you had no choice. How you spoke of being isolated."
He's so badly choked up now that he's stuttering, hugging himself tightly, but he draws on all of his determination and plows forward. "We will not leave you alone. You will no longer make your choices alone."
"I want..." His tidy little speeches from earlier in the day slip away from his lips as his shaking worsens. Seeing his uncle in person, he can't help but think of the bite of wire against his throat, of the look on his uncle's face when he spoke of killing Jin Ling's father. "I want to be able to trust you. And I think it's important that you be able to trust us."
This was all much more graceful in Jin Ling's head, but he pushes forward, determined to communicate what he wants to say even if it's clumsy. "I remember you saying how you had no choice. How you spoke of being isolated."
He's so badly choked up now that he's stuttering, hugging himself tightly, but he draws on all of his determination and plows forward. "We will not leave you alone. You will no longer make your choices alone."
All of them bear the scars of what he had done. Meng Yao can read others far too well to be ignorant of their misery. However Lan Xichen is, as always, a stunning and uncommonly kind man and Jin Ling is...
Growing up. His heart does a funny lurch as he listens to them. They don't want him to be isolated? They want to know what they can do to help - to prevent what happened before?
No one has ever given him that much thought or care. Meng Yao wonders, if he had been given this option, by Jin Guangshan or...anyone really...before this moment, would that have made a difference?
Surely it would have.
"Jin Ling..." he pitches his voice to be soothing, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I can say I wouldn't have killed you, but what difference does that make? I still held a wire to your throat and I destroyed your perception of my love for you."
He is far too good at that.
"I did something similar to you, Zewu-Jun. I took what you had given me and I threw it in your face as if it meant nothing to me." he closes his eyes, pained, "Without realizing it, I acted in the same way my father had treated me."
And as he watches these two trying to reach him, trying to reason with him, he sees the treasure he ruined.
"If you wish for me to stay in open communication with you, I consider that a gift."
Growing up. His heart does a funny lurch as he listens to them. They don't want him to be isolated? They want to know what they can do to help - to prevent what happened before?
No one has ever given him that much thought or care. Meng Yao wonders, if he had been given this option, by Jin Guangshan or...anyone really...before this moment, would that have made a difference?
Surely it would have.
"Jin Ling..." he pitches his voice to be soothing, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I can say I wouldn't have killed you, but what difference does that make? I still held a wire to your throat and I destroyed your perception of my love for you."
He is far too good at that.
"I did something similar to you, Zewu-Jun. I took what you had given me and I threw it in your face as if it meant nothing to me." he closes his eyes, pained, "Without realizing it, I acted in the same way my father had treated me."
And as he watches these two trying to reach him, trying to reason with him, he sees the treasure he ruined.
"If you wish for me to stay in open communication with you, I consider that a gift."
Xichen nods, approvingly, to Jin Ling. Just so, he tries to convey, but then his attention returns to Meng Yao, thoughtful.
For his part of the words... he wilts very slightly. But his response is also very certain. "You are not your father. I know that." He breathes out carefully.
"A gift may be cherished, but still not what is needed. It... I think it would be good if, when you know what you need, and what you want, you try to talk with us about it. I don't mean beg." The clarification is immediate, and firm. "I don't mean humiliate yourself. I mean... try to work out a way to get it which will not end up hurting others. Or yourself."
He swallows, then his eyes move between the uncle and nephew and back, again.
"We cannot change the past. Nor can we stay in the past. All we have is the present, and a chance to shape the future. We don't want ... any of us to fall in the traps that we were in before. Because we can all do better, if we find the right path."
Together, he doesn't add. But as the youngest of them said... They will not leave him alone. And not in the bad way.
For his part of the words... he wilts very slightly. But his response is also very certain. "You are not your father. I know that." He breathes out carefully.
"A gift may be cherished, but still not what is needed. It... I think it would be good if, when you know what you need, and what you want, you try to talk with us about it. I don't mean beg." The clarification is immediate, and firm. "I don't mean humiliate yourself. I mean... try to work out a way to get it which will not end up hurting others. Or yourself."
He swallows, then his eyes move between the uncle and nephew and back, again.
"We cannot change the past. Nor can we stay in the past. All we have is the present, and a chance to shape the future. We don't want ... any of us to fall in the traps that we were in before. Because we can all do better, if we find the right path."
Together, he doesn't add. But as the youngest of them said... They will not leave him alone. And not in the bad way.
"I know what you did, don't remind me!" Jin Ling snaps, interrupting, when his uncle states how he's hurt him.
It then occurs to him that he'll have a lot harder time being taken seriously as a part of this conversation if he gives Zewu-Jun reason to put him under a silence spell. Jutting his lower jaw in a furious pout, he lifts his arms in front of him in a gesture of respect and holds them there, keeping himself quiet, while the adults have their turn to speak.
The moment there's enough of a pause for him to speak without being outright rude, he jumps on it, dropping his arms back to his lap.
"It's not a gift. I want you to work for it. Earn it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to earn my trust, but I promise to help you every step of the way. You don't get to bribe me to make me trust you or love you again. But you can ask to speak to me, and you can listen to what I say, and I will listen to what you say, and we can work to have a relationship based on ... mutual understanding. I..."
Breathing heavily, he looks away for a moment, his arms come up across his chest, hugging himself.
"I know that the darkest parts of you are going to be hard to love, and that you will try to hide them from me so that we can both pretend that they're not there. I want instead for you to choose a path where you will trust... us with them, and we will help you find ways to be free of that darkness."
He realizes that there are parts of this that are going to be too much for him, even with the help of Zewu-Jun. He's only a child. He shouldn't be his uncle's counselor. There are so many things that are not appropriate for his uncle to share with him. All he can do is try to find a way to be his uncle's conscience.
It then occurs to him that he'll have a lot harder time being taken seriously as a part of this conversation if he gives Zewu-Jun reason to put him under a silence spell. Jutting his lower jaw in a furious pout, he lifts his arms in front of him in a gesture of respect and holds them there, keeping himself quiet, while the adults have their turn to speak.
The moment there's enough of a pause for him to speak without being outright rude, he jumps on it, dropping his arms back to his lap.
"It's not a gift. I want you to work for it. Earn it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to earn my trust, but I promise to help you every step of the way. You don't get to bribe me to make me trust you or love you again. But you can ask to speak to me, and you can listen to what I say, and I will listen to what you say, and we can work to have a relationship based on ... mutual understanding. I..."
Breathing heavily, he looks away for a moment, his arms come up across his chest, hugging himself.
"I know that the darkest parts of you are going to be hard to love, and that you will try to hide them from me so that we can both pretend that they're not there. I want instead for you to choose a path where you will trust... us with them, and we will help you find ways to be free of that darkness."
He realizes that there are parts of this that are going to be too much for him, even with the help of Zewu-Jun. He's only a child. He shouldn't be his uncle's counselor. There are so many things that are not appropriate for his uncle to share with him. All he can do is try to find a way to be his uncle's conscience.
The air seems thinner when he is surrounded by those he loves - yes, he does love them - that he has betrayed. Meng Yao looks between them, startled by Jin Ling's outburst because it stands out starkly from Lan Xichen's softer voice. If the older man had less control, he would probably sound like Jin Ling too.
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
Edited 2020-02-07 05:26 (UTC)
Xichen's breath hisses out of his lungs at that last part, and he narrows his eyes in warning at Meng Yao. Jin Rulan might not remember Jin Rusong, but Xichen does. He remembers how Jin Guangyao at the time doted over his son. And he remembers that did not stop him from ending the boy's life, and in a way to further his plans, to destroy his enemies.
But he doesn't say it.
He does not want Meng Yao to despair, again.
Instead, he breathes out softly.
"It may take a while for this to be remembered but... a person's worth is not dependent on how useful that person is. And it should not be." Another breath. "And nor is one's redemption. Making good choices because they are good. Not for anyone's good opinion, nor for a goal that justifies what goes towards it."
He wishes he could praise the young Sect Leader Jin. Though it has been brought by pain, he has grown much in the recent weeks. But this is not the time - he will remember, later. But right now, he needs to be... reliable, so that the boy won't be hurt again, more for him being able to see now and not acting on it.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Meng Yao." He keeps his voice steady, though that is not easy at all. His own mistakes are a mountain, though he does know that they are fewer than Meng Yao's. Other than helping to make all of Meng Yao's possible. "Try to avoid them when you can, but when they happen..." His eyes move to the boy, then back to the man. "It may be difficult to own up to them. And it might be difficult for us to hear. But they are not made better if you conceal them. So please. Let somebody know. Let somebody help, rather than trying to bury them."
Beat.
"What... is counseling?"
But he doesn't say it.
He does not want Meng Yao to despair, again.
Instead, he breathes out softly.
"It may take a while for this to be remembered but... a person's worth is not dependent on how useful that person is. And it should not be." Another breath. "And nor is one's redemption. Making good choices because they are good. Not for anyone's good opinion, nor for a goal that justifies what goes towards it."
He wishes he could praise the young Sect Leader Jin. Though it has been brought by pain, he has grown much in the recent weeks. But this is not the time - he will remember, later. But right now, he needs to be... reliable, so that the boy won't be hurt again, more for him being able to see now and not acting on it.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Meng Yao." He keeps his voice steady, though that is not easy at all. His own mistakes are a mountain, though he does know that they are fewer than Meng Yao's. Other than helping to make all of Meng Yao's possible. "Try to avoid them when you can, but when they happen..." His eyes move to the boy, then back to the man. "It may be difficult to own up to them. And it might be difficult for us to hear. But they are not made better if you conceal them. So please. Let somebody know. Let somebody help, rather than trying to bury them."
Beat.
"What... is counseling?"
Page 1 of 10