Once it's decided, Jin Ling gets up and takes the tea set from the cupboard where he hid it. He plans to be careful to see that his uncle drinks first, and not from a cup of his own choosing, but using the tea set seems very important to his plan. So he lays it out carefully on the table and chooses one of the packets of tea for the pot.
Texting Sizhui to stay away from the apartment for a few hours, he then records his invitation to his uncle and sends it. Leaving the door unlocked, he fills the kettle but waits to heat it.
He looks like a man walking to his doom or some kind of ancient spirit cut off from all he knows. Meng Yao hasn't had an interest in civilian clothing, so the robe he has chosen for today stands out like a sore thumb. However the color is nice; a soft dove grey without ornamentation. His hair is mostly how he prefers it - he had to enlist help for that - and he is notably missing the red mark in the middle of his brow that would have marked him as a Jin.
Upon reaching the right address, he knocks - only to find the door unlocked. This could be a trap. He makes himself breathe again, his hand shaking as he turns the doorknob anyway.
Jin Ling kneels at the table, looking nervous but also hopeful. "Uncle."
He performs a little bow, only a tiny bit shaky. He hasn't seen his uncle in person since... since everything.
They're the only ones here. No traps, no defenses. Zewu-Jun is a powerful cultivator, but it's also dangerous for them to be here, offering LianFang-Zun their trust.
"Zewu-Jun..." he is struck dumb; he hadn't expected to be met with him right off the bat. Meng Yao bows immediately, cautiously straightening before he follows the man inside. The chill of unease increases when he sees Jin Ling.
As much as he wants to show both of them affection, he knows it isn't welcome. Not here, not now.
He kneels at the table across from Jin Ling, expression pained.
"You both look well." and that does set some of his concerns at ease.
... in all honesty, Xichen hasn't expected quite this configuration of things - when Jin Rulan said that neither of them should meet Meng Yao alone, he had expected the supervision of one of those whose judgment is... more impartial. But this is also fair, in its way.
"Thank you." He doesn't look his best, but neither is he unsightly. Not as bad as when Wangji first found him in the streets, on his first job. "You are... afraid. I don't believe you need to be. I just... do not think it is right for others, even one of us, to try to set your course. The three of us are those who remember... all. It would probably be right to see what our expectations are. And if there are limitations that make sense. In any direction."
Because at this point they all know that there is plenty of danger, from many sides. But living in fear will not do any good.
And if Xichen is clutching the insides of his sleeves, uncertain if he makes sense at all, well. He is pretty sure neither of them will really notice.
When his uncle says he looks well, Jin Ling's hand rises subconsciously to his throat for a moment before he forces it down into his lap.
"I want..." His tidy little speeches from earlier in the day slip away from his lips as his shaking worsens. Seeing his uncle in person, he can't help but think of the bite of wire against his throat, of the look on his uncle's face when he spoke of killing Jin Ling's father. "I want to be able to trust you. And I think it's important that you be able to trust us."
This was all much more graceful in Jin Ling's head, but he pushes forward, determined to communicate what he wants to say even if it's clumsy. "I remember you saying how you had no choice. How you spoke of being isolated."
He's so badly choked up now that he's stuttering, hugging himself tightly, but he draws on all of his determination and plows forward. "We will not leave you alone. You will no longer make your choices alone."
All of them bear the scars of what he had done. Meng Yao can read others far too well to be ignorant of their misery. However Lan Xichen is, as always, a stunning and uncommonly kind man and Jin Ling is...
Growing up. His heart does a funny lurch as he listens to them. They don't want him to be isolated? They want to know what they can do to help - to prevent what happened before?
No one has ever given him that much thought or care. Meng Yao wonders, if he had been given this option, by Jin Guangshan or...anyone really...before this moment, would that have made a difference?
Surely it would have.
"Jin Ling..." he pitches his voice to be soothing, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I can say I wouldn't have killed you, but what difference does that make? I still held a wire to your throat and I destroyed your perception of my love for you."
He is far too good at that.
"I did something similar to you, Zewu-Jun. I took what you had given me and I threw it in your face as if it meant nothing to me." he closes his eyes, pained, "Without realizing it, I acted in the same way my father had treated me."
And as he watches these two trying to reach him, trying to reason with him, he sees the treasure he ruined.
"If you wish for me to stay in open communication with you, I consider that a gift."
Xichen nods, approvingly, to Jin Ling. Just so, he tries to convey, but then his attention returns to Meng Yao, thoughtful.
For his part of the words... he wilts very slightly. But his response is also very certain. "You are not your father. I know that." He breathes out carefully.
"A gift may be cherished, but still not what is needed. It... I think it would be good if, when you know what you need, and what you want, you try to talk with us about it. I don't mean beg." The clarification is immediate, and firm. "I don't mean humiliate yourself. I mean... try to work out a way to get it which will not end up hurting others. Or yourself."
He swallows, then his eyes move between the uncle and nephew and back, again.
"We cannot change the past. Nor can we stay in the past. All we have is the present, and a chance to shape the future. We don't want ... any of us to fall in the traps that we were in before. Because we can all do better, if we find the right path."
Together, he doesn't add. But as the youngest of them said... They will not leave him alone. And not in the bad way.
"I know what you did, don't remind me!" Jin Ling snaps, interrupting, when his uncle states how he's hurt him.
It then occurs to him that he'll have a lot harder time being taken seriously as a part of this conversation if he gives Zewu-Jun reason to put him under a silence spell. Jutting his lower jaw in a furious pout, he lifts his arms in front of him in a gesture of respect and holds them there, keeping himself quiet, while the adults have their turn to speak.
The moment there's enough of a pause for him to speak without being outright rude, he jumps on it, dropping his arms back to his lap.
"It's not a gift. I want you to work for it. Earn it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to earn my trust, but I promise to help you every step of the way. You don't get to bribe me to make me trust you or love you again. But you can ask to speak to me, and you can listen to what I say, and I will listen to what you say, and we can work to have a relationship based on ... mutual understanding. I..."
Breathing heavily, he looks away for a moment, his arms come up across his chest, hugging himself.
"I know that the darkest parts of you are going to be hard to love, and that you will try to hide them from me so that we can both pretend that they're not there. I want instead for you to choose a path where you will trust... us with them, and we will help you find ways to be free of that darkness."
He realizes that there are parts of this that are going to be too much for him, even with the help of Zewu-Jun. He's only a child. He shouldn't be his uncle's counselor. There are so many things that are not appropriate for his uncle to share with him. All he can do is try to find a way to be his uncle's conscience.
The air seems thinner when he is surrounded by those he loves - yes, he does love them - that he has betrayed. Meng Yao looks between them, startled by Jin Ling's outburst because it stands out starkly from Lan Xichen's softer voice. If the older man had less control, he would probably sound like Jin Ling too.
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
Xichen's breath hisses out of his lungs at that last part, and he narrows his eyes in warning at Meng Yao. Jin Rulan might not remember Jin Rusong, but Xichen does. He remembers how Jin Guangyao at the time doted over his son. And he remembers that did not stop him from ending the boy's life, and in a way to further his plans, to destroy his enemies.
But he doesn't say it.
He does not want Meng Yao to despair, again.
Instead, he breathes out softly.
"It may take a while for this to be remembered but... a person's worth is not dependent on how useful that person is. And it should not be." Another breath. "And nor is one's redemption. Making good choices because they are good. Not for anyone's good opinion, nor for a goal that justifies what goes towards it."
He wishes he could praise the young Sect Leader Jin. Though it has been brought by pain, he has grown much in the recent weeks. But this is not the time - he will remember, later. But right now, he needs to be... reliable, so that the boy won't be hurt again, more for him being able to see now and not acting on it.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Meng Yao." He keeps his voice steady, though that is not easy at all. His own mistakes are a mountain, though he does know that they are fewer than Meng Yao's. Other than helping to make all of Meng Yao's possible. "Try to avoid them when you can, but when they happen..." His eyes move to the boy, then back to the man. "It may be difficult to own up to them. And it might be difficult for us to hear. But they are not made better if you conceal them. So please. Let somebody know. Let somebody help, rather than trying to bury them."
"Yeah, what is counseling?" Jin Ling echoes. "What do you mean forced? If you're uncomfortable with whatever it is, then you don't have to do it. I won't let anyone force you to do anything." A guilty glance over at Zewu-Jun. "We won't."
The 'like a son' line stings him, too. He never really knew Rusong, being young enough at the time that he'd been disinterested in babies and jealous for how the new infant took attention away from himself, but the revelations about Rusong's death were extremely clear, and Jin Ling's already thrown that back at his uncle more than once. Being like a son to LianFeng-Zun is not a safe thing.
He finally picks up his cup of tea, long since turned cold, and drinks from it.
His little son - his true born child - had been an unfortunate accident. Qin Su had fallen pregnant before their marriage, before he had learned about their too close blood relationship. There was no terminating the pregnancy - she had been so happy - and he couldn't deny her the marriage. She would have been ruined.
The belief that such a child would display the incestuous bond frightened Meng Yao to his core. He would lose...everything...if the world knew. He would lose Qin Su and the life he had worked so hard to acquire. He feared the little boy more than any foe. As he grew, the world would know.
So he had found a way to end his life. Quickly and quietly. He had blamed a political opponent - that was easy - and he had comforted Qin Su. Tragedies are easier to explain.
Meng Yao's gaze lingers on Lan Xichen, his longing hardly disguised. He had loved Qin Su, but that was mostly because she had feelings for him. He is a desperate creature when it comes to affection.
Then he looks back to Jin Ling and memories of holding him as a baby make his chest hurt. He had been so quiet and good when it was just them.
Not once did he feel the same fear with Jin Ling that he had experienced with Jin Rusong.
"Be that as it may, I do want to help." he gives a brief smile, "Counseling is...strange. I see a healer, they ask me questions, they wish to know about my past, how I feel and then they give me suggestions on how I might better myself."
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ze_uwu_jun) wrote2033-01-09 09:40 pm
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maskormenace
Action
Texting Sizhui to stay away from the apartment for a few hours, he then records his invitation to his uncle and sends it. Leaving the door unlocked, he fills the kettle but waits to heat it.
Action
Upon reaching the right address, he knocks - only to find the door unlocked. This could be a trap. He makes himself breathe again, his hand shaking as he turns the doorknob anyway.
Nothing happens. But he is far from relieved.
"Jin Ling?"
no subject
"Come in, he is inside. There is tea."
He closes the door and leads the way, calm and steady. He can look his fill later.
"We are both here now." He announces to Jin Ling. And goes to pour tea. Never mind that he is not the host and that he is oldest.
He...
Well. He is nervous.
no subject
He performs a little bow, only a tiny bit shaky. He hasn't seen his uncle in person since... since everything.
They're the only ones here. No traps, no defenses. Zewu-Jun is a powerful cultivator, but it's also dangerous for them to be here, offering LianFang-Zun their trust.
no subject
As much as he wants to show both of them affection, he knows it isn't welcome. Not here, not now.
He kneels at the table across from Jin Ling, expression pained.
"You both look well." and that does set some of his concerns at ease.
no subject
"Thank you." He doesn't look his best, but neither is he unsightly. Not as bad as when Wangji first found him in the streets, on his first job. "You are... afraid. I don't believe you need to be. I just... do not think it is right for others, even one of us, to try to set your course. The three of us are those who remember... all. It would probably be right to see what our expectations are. And if there are limitations that make sense. In any direction."
Because at this point they all know that there is plenty of danger, from many sides. But living in fear will not do any good.
And if Xichen is clutching the insides of his sleeves, uncertain if he makes sense at all, well. He is pretty sure neither of them will really notice.
no subject
"I want..." His tidy little speeches from earlier in the day slip away from his lips as his shaking worsens. Seeing his uncle in person, he can't help but think of the bite of wire against his throat, of the look on his uncle's face when he spoke of killing Jin Ling's father. "I want to be able to trust you. And I think it's important that you be able to trust us."
This was all much more graceful in Jin Ling's head, but he pushes forward, determined to communicate what he wants to say even if it's clumsy. "I remember you saying how you had no choice. How you spoke of being isolated."
He's so badly choked up now that he's stuttering, hugging himself tightly, but he draws on all of his determination and plows forward. "We will not leave you alone. You will no longer make your choices alone."
no subject
Growing up. His heart does a funny lurch as he listens to them. They don't want him to be isolated? They want to know what they can do to help - to prevent what happened before?
No one has ever given him that much thought or care. Meng Yao wonders, if he had been given this option, by Jin Guangshan or...anyone really...before this moment, would that have made a difference?
Surely it would have.
"Jin Ling..." he pitches his voice to be soothing, "I'm sorry I hurt you. I can say I wouldn't have killed you, but what difference does that make? I still held a wire to your throat and I destroyed your perception of my love for you."
He is far too good at that.
"I did something similar to you, Zewu-Jun. I took what you had given me and I threw it in your face as if it meant nothing to me." he closes his eyes, pained, "Without realizing it, I acted in the same way my father had treated me."
And as he watches these two trying to reach him, trying to reason with him, he sees the treasure he ruined.
"If you wish for me to stay in open communication with you, I consider that a gift."
no subject
For his part of the words... he wilts very slightly. But his response is also very certain. "You are not your father. I know that." He breathes out carefully.
"A gift may be cherished, but still not what is needed. It... I think it would be good if, when you know what you need, and what you want, you try to talk with us about it. I don't mean beg." The clarification is immediate, and firm. "I don't mean humiliate yourself. I mean... try to work out a way to get it which will not end up hurting others. Or yourself."
He swallows, then his eyes move between the uncle and nephew and back, again.
"We cannot change the past. Nor can we stay in the past. All we have is the present, and a chance to shape the future. We don't want ... any of us to fall in the traps that we were in before. Because we can all do better, if we find the right path."
Together, he doesn't add. But as the youngest of them said... They will not leave him alone. And not in the bad way.
no subject
It then occurs to him that he'll have a lot harder time being taken seriously as a part of this conversation if he gives Zewu-Jun reason to put him under a silence spell. Jutting his lower jaw in a furious pout, he lifts his arms in front of him in a gesture of respect and holds them there, keeping himself quiet, while the adults have their turn to speak.
The moment there's enough of a pause for him to speak without being outright rude, he jumps on it, dropping his arms back to his lap.
"It's not a gift. I want you to work for it. Earn it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to earn my trust, but I promise to help you every step of the way. You don't get to bribe me to make me trust you or love you again. But you can ask to speak to me, and you can listen to what I say, and I will listen to what you say, and we can work to have a relationship based on ... mutual understanding. I..."
Breathing heavily, he looks away for a moment, his arms come up across his chest, hugging himself.
"I know that the darkest parts of you are going to be hard to love, and that you will try to hide them from me so that we can both pretend that they're not there. I want instead for you to choose a path where you will trust... us with them, and we will help you find ways to be free of that darkness."
He realizes that there are parts of this that are going to be too much for him, even with the help of Zewu-Jun. He's only a child. He shouldn't be his uncle's counselor. There are so many things that are not appropriate for his uncle to share with him. All he can do is try to find a way to be his uncle's conscience.
no subject
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
no subject
But he doesn't say it.
He does not want Meng Yao to despair, again.
Instead, he breathes out softly.
"It may take a while for this to be remembered but... a person's worth is not dependent on how useful that person is. And it should not be." Another breath. "And nor is one's redemption. Making good choices because they are good. Not for anyone's good opinion, nor for a goal that justifies what goes towards it."
He wishes he could praise the young Sect Leader Jin. Though it has been brought by pain, he has grown much in the recent weeks. But this is not the time - he will remember, later. But right now, he needs to be... reliable, so that the boy won't be hurt again, more for him being able to see now and not acting on it.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Meng Yao." He keeps his voice steady, though that is not easy at all. His own mistakes are a mountain, though he does know that they are fewer than Meng Yao's. Other than helping to make all of Meng Yao's possible. "Try to avoid them when you can, but when they happen..." His eyes move to the boy, then back to the man. "It may be difficult to own up to them. And it might be difficult for us to hear. But they are not made better if you conceal them. So please. Let somebody know. Let somebody help, rather than trying to bury them."
Beat.
"What... is counseling?"
no subject
The 'like a son' line stings him, too. He never really knew Rusong, being young enough at the time that he'd been disinterested in babies and jealous for how the new infant took attention away from himself, but the revelations about Rusong's death were extremely clear, and Jin Ling's already thrown that back at his uncle more than once. Being like a son to LianFeng-Zun is not a safe thing.
He finally picks up his cup of tea, long since turned cold, and drinks from it.
no subject
The belief that such a child would display the incestuous bond frightened Meng Yao to his core. He would lose...everything...if the world knew. He would lose Qin Su and the life he had worked so hard to acquire. He feared the little boy more than any foe. As he grew, the world would know.
So he had found a way to end his life. Quickly and quietly. He had blamed a political opponent - that was easy - and he had comforted Qin Su. Tragedies are easier to explain.
Meng Yao's gaze lingers on Lan Xichen, his longing hardly disguised. He had loved Qin Su, but that was mostly because she had feelings for him. He is a desperate creature when it comes to affection.
Then he looks back to Jin Ling and memories of holding him as a baby make his chest hurt. He had been so quiet and good when it was just them.
Not once did he feel the same fear with Jin Ling that he had experienced with Jin Rusong.
"Be that as it may, I do want to help." he gives a brief smile, "Counseling is...strange. I see a healer, they ask me questions, they wish to know about my past, how I feel and then they give me suggestions on how I might better myself."
no subject
That gets an actual surprise out of Xichen. "They..."
Let him process.
"They are trying to heal the damage that the past inflicted?"
That is...
"If it is possible, it would be a very good thing."
Quietly, but the past has left scars on all of them.