Xichen nods, approvingly, to Jin Ling. Just so, he tries to convey, but then his attention returns to Meng Yao, thoughtful.
For his part of the words... he wilts very slightly. But his response is also very certain. "You are not your father. I know that." He breathes out carefully.
"A gift may be cherished, but still not what is needed. It... I think it would be good if, when you know what you need, and what you want, you try to talk with us about it. I don't mean beg." The clarification is immediate, and firm. "I don't mean humiliate yourself. I mean... try to work out a way to get it which will not end up hurting others. Or yourself."
He swallows, then his eyes move between the uncle and nephew and back, again.
"We cannot change the past. Nor can we stay in the past. All we have is the present, and a chance to shape the future. We don't want ... any of us to fall in the traps that we were in before. Because we can all do better, if we find the right path."
Together, he doesn't add. But as the youngest of them said... They will not leave him alone. And not in the bad way.
"I know what you did, don't remind me!" Jin Ling snaps, interrupting, when his uncle states how he's hurt him.
It then occurs to him that he'll have a lot harder time being taken seriously as a part of this conversation if he gives Zewu-Jun reason to put him under a silence spell. Jutting his lower jaw in a furious pout, he lifts his arms in front of him in a gesture of respect and holds them there, keeping himself quiet, while the adults have their turn to speak.
The moment there's enough of a pause for him to speak without being outright rude, he jumps on it, dropping his arms back to his lap.
"It's not a gift. I want you to work for it. Earn it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to earn my trust, but I promise to help you every step of the way. You don't get to bribe me to make me trust you or love you again. But you can ask to speak to me, and you can listen to what I say, and I will listen to what you say, and we can work to have a relationship based on ... mutual understanding. I..."
Breathing heavily, he looks away for a moment, his arms come up across his chest, hugging himself.
"I know that the darkest parts of you are going to be hard to love, and that you will try to hide them from me so that we can both pretend that they're not there. I want instead for you to choose a path where you will trust... us with them, and we will help you find ways to be free of that darkness."
He realizes that there are parts of this that are going to be too much for him, even with the help of Zewu-Jun. He's only a child. He shouldn't be his uncle's counselor. There are so many things that are not appropriate for his uncle to share with him. All he can do is try to find a way to be his uncle's conscience.
The air seems thinner when he is surrounded by those he loves - yes, he does love them - that he has betrayed. Meng Yao looks between them, startled by Jin Ling's outburst because it stands out starkly from Lan Xichen's softer voice. If the older man had less control, he would probably sound like Jin Ling too.
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
Xichen's breath hisses out of his lungs at that last part, and he narrows his eyes in warning at Meng Yao. Jin Rulan might not remember Jin Rusong, but Xichen does. He remembers how Jin Guangyao at the time doted over his son. And he remembers that did not stop him from ending the boy's life, and in a way to further his plans, to destroy his enemies.
But he doesn't say it.
He does not want Meng Yao to despair, again.
Instead, he breathes out softly.
"It may take a while for this to be remembered but... a person's worth is not dependent on how useful that person is. And it should not be." Another breath. "And nor is one's redemption. Making good choices because they are good. Not for anyone's good opinion, nor for a goal that justifies what goes towards it."
He wishes he could praise the young Sect Leader Jin. Though it has been brought by pain, he has grown much in the recent weeks. But this is not the time - he will remember, later. But right now, he needs to be... reliable, so that the boy won't be hurt again, more for him being able to see now and not acting on it.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Meng Yao." He keeps his voice steady, though that is not easy at all. His own mistakes are a mountain, though he does know that they are fewer than Meng Yao's. Other than helping to make all of Meng Yao's possible. "Try to avoid them when you can, but when they happen..." His eyes move to the boy, then back to the man. "It may be difficult to own up to them. And it might be difficult for us to hear. But they are not made better if you conceal them. So please. Let somebody know. Let somebody help, rather than trying to bury them."
"Yeah, what is counseling?" Jin Ling echoes. "What do you mean forced? If you're uncomfortable with whatever it is, then you don't have to do it. I won't let anyone force you to do anything." A guilty glance over at Zewu-Jun. "We won't."
The 'like a son' line stings him, too. He never really knew Rusong, being young enough at the time that he'd been disinterested in babies and jealous for how the new infant took attention away from himself, but the revelations about Rusong's death were extremely clear, and Jin Ling's already thrown that back at his uncle more than once. Being like a son to LianFeng-Zun is not a safe thing.
He finally picks up his cup of tea, long since turned cold, and drinks from it.
His little son - his true born child - had been an unfortunate accident. Qin Su had fallen pregnant before their marriage, before he had learned about their too close blood relationship. There was no terminating the pregnancy - she had been so happy - and he couldn't deny her the marriage. She would have been ruined.
The belief that such a child would display the incestuous bond frightened Meng Yao to his core. He would lose...everything...if the world knew. He would lose Qin Su and the life he had worked so hard to acquire. He feared the little boy more than any foe. As he grew, the world would know.
So he had found a way to end his life. Quickly and quietly. He had blamed a political opponent - that was easy - and he had comforted Qin Su. Tragedies are easier to explain.
Meng Yao's gaze lingers on Lan Xichen, his longing hardly disguised. He had loved Qin Su, but that was mostly because she had feelings for him. He is a desperate creature when it comes to affection.
Then he looks back to Jin Ling and memories of holding him as a baby make his chest hurt. He had been so quiet and good when it was just them.
Not once did he feel the same fear with Jin Ling that he had experienced with Jin Rusong.
"Be that as it may, I do want to help." he gives a brief smile, "Counseling is...strange. I see a healer, they ask me questions, they wish to know about my past, how I feel and then they give me suggestions on how I might better myself."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ze_uwu_jun) wrote2033-01-09 09:40 pm
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
maskormenace
no subject
For his part of the words... he wilts very slightly. But his response is also very certain. "You are not your father. I know that." He breathes out carefully.
"A gift may be cherished, but still not what is needed. It... I think it would be good if, when you know what you need, and what you want, you try to talk with us about it. I don't mean beg." The clarification is immediate, and firm. "I don't mean humiliate yourself. I mean... try to work out a way to get it which will not end up hurting others. Or yourself."
He swallows, then his eyes move between the uncle and nephew and back, again.
"We cannot change the past. Nor can we stay in the past. All we have is the present, and a chance to shape the future. We don't want ... any of us to fall in the traps that we were in before. Because we can all do better, if we find the right path."
Together, he doesn't add. But as the youngest of them said... They will not leave him alone. And not in the bad way.
no subject
It then occurs to him that he'll have a lot harder time being taken seriously as a part of this conversation if he gives Zewu-Jun reason to put him under a silence spell. Jutting his lower jaw in a furious pout, he lifts his arms in front of him in a gesture of respect and holds them there, keeping himself quiet, while the adults have their turn to speak.
The moment there's enough of a pause for him to speak without being outright rude, he jumps on it, dropping his arms back to his lap.
"It's not a gift. I want you to work for it. Earn it. I don't know if you'll ever be able to earn my trust, but I promise to help you every step of the way. You don't get to bribe me to make me trust you or love you again. But you can ask to speak to me, and you can listen to what I say, and I will listen to what you say, and we can work to have a relationship based on ... mutual understanding. I..."
Breathing heavily, he looks away for a moment, his arms come up across his chest, hugging himself.
"I know that the darkest parts of you are going to be hard to love, and that you will try to hide them from me so that we can both pretend that they're not there. I want instead for you to choose a path where you will trust... us with them, and we will help you find ways to be free of that darkness."
He realizes that there are parts of this that are going to be too much for him, even with the help of Zewu-Jun. He's only a child. He shouldn't be his uncle's counselor. There are so many things that are not appropriate for his uncle to share with him. All he can do is try to find a way to be his uncle's conscience.
no subject
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
no subject
But he doesn't say it.
He does not want Meng Yao to despair, again.
Instead, he breathes out softly.
"It may take a while for this to be remembered but... a person's worth is not dependent on how useful that person is. And it should not be." Another breath. "And nor is one's redemption. Making good choices because they are good. Not for anyone's good opinion, nor for a goal that justifies what goes towards it."
He wishes he could praise the young Sect Leader Jin. Though it has been brought by pain, he has grown much in the recent weeks. But this is not the time - he will remember, later. But right now, he needs to be... reliable, so that the boy won't be hurt again, more for him being able to see now and not acting on it.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Meng Yao." He keeps his voice steady, though that is not easy at all. His own mistakes are a mountain, though he does know that they are fewer than Meng Yao's. Other than helping to make all of Meng Yao's possible. "Try to avoid them when you can, but when they happen..." His eyes move to the boy, then back to the man. "It may be difficult to own up to them. And it might be difficult for us to hear. But they are not made better if you conceal them. So please. Let somebody know. Let somebody help, rather than trying to bury them."
Beat.
"What... is counseling?"
no subject
The 'like a son' line stings him, too. He never really knew Rusong, being young enough at the time that he'd been disinterested in babies and jealous for how the new infant took attention away from himself, but the revelations about Rusong's death were extremely clear, and Jin Ling's already thrown that back at his uncle more than once. Being like a son to LianFeng-Zun is not a safe thing.
He finally picks up his cup of tea, long since turned cold, and drinks from it.
no subject
The belief that such a child would display the incestuous bond frightened Meng Yao to his core. He would lose...everything...if the world knew. He would lose Qin Su and the life he had worked so hard to acquire. He feared the little boy more than any foe. As he grew, the world would know.
So he had found a way to end his life. Quickly and quietly. He had blamed a political opponent - that was easy - and he had comforted Qin Su. Tragedies are easier to explain.
Meng Yao's gaze lingers on Lan Xichen, his longing hardly disguised. He had loved Qin Su, but that was mostly because she had feelings for him. He is a desperate creature when it comes to affection.
Then he looks back to Jin Ling and memories of holding him as a baby make his chest hurt. He had been so quiet and good when it was just them.
Not once did he feel the same fear with Jin Ling that he had experienced with Jin Rusong.
"Be that as it may, I do want to help." he gives a brief smile, "Counseling is...strange. I see a healer, they ask me questions, they wish to know about my past, how I feel and then they give me suggestions on how I might better myself."
no subject
That gets an actual surprise out of Xichen. "They..."
Let him process.
"They are trying to heal the damage that the past inflicted?"
That is...
"If it is possible, it would be a very good thing."
Quietly, but the past has left scars on all of them.