The air seems thinner when he is surrounded by those he loves - yes, he does love them - that he has betrayed. Meng Yao looks between them, startled by Jin Ling's outburst because it stands out starkly from Lan Xichen's softer voice. If the older man had less control, he would probably sound like Jin Ling too.
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."
no subject
His gaze lowers to the table and he lets the words sink in, forcing his breathing to be steady. If he is gripping his empty sleeve until his knuckles are white, it is of no matter. For all of his wit, he can see no fix for this; no remedy to set things back to how they had been.
With Jin Ling smiling at him and Lan Xichen trusting him.
"I was forced...strongly encouraged..." he can't really be forced to do anything, "to attend counseling. I have been. I don't know if I can tell them everything. But you two deserve the truth. A man like myself isn't born from good circumstances. Others could suffer the same and be...good. Wholly good. I am not that sort of person." he takes a sip of tea to loosen the muscles of his throat, "When you make one bad decision, you must make another to cover up for it. Before you know it, you are willing to do anything - no matter how despicable - because you are desperate."
He is ruthless in his desperation, ready to bite, claw, kill.
"There wasn't any place for morality in the brothel or with Jin Guangshan. I learned how to be useful, I learned how to punish those who harmed me or my mother... I didn't expect to meet a man like you, Lan Xichen, or to love my nephew like a son."